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Famous last words

April 23, 2014
By Larry DeHays , Fort Myers Beach Bulletin, Fort Myers Beach Observer

Having the final say in any conversation (otherwise known as the last word) can be hazardous to your health. Sometimes we might have been better off with one more little bitty piece of advice before we had our last word.

For instance:

- Husband to wife while packing the car for a trip: "We don't need to have the car checked before we go. It's been running fine all winter, so there can't be anything going wrong now. You worry too much." Sitting along the interstate waiting for a tow, the conversation may differ.

- General Custer to his lieutenants on the eve of Little Bighorn: "Look at those Indians singing and dancing around their campfires. In the morning they'll be too tired and hung-over to fight."

- Customer leaving his car for repair with the service advisor at his new car dealership: "Just give me a ballpark estimate, I won't hold you to it." He should define the ballpark, little league or Yankee Stadium.

- Warning on the label of a powerful new drug about to be tried for the first time: "Results may vary." It might work, it might kill you.

- Answer to the shopper's question as to the price of a particular car: "Well, how much can you afford in monthly payments?" Hearing this, smart shoppers run for the hills.

- Message from the I.R.S.: "We're here to help." Sure they are.

- Owner to service advisor: "It'll cost more to fix these brakes than the car is worth, so forget it." Stay out of this guy's way.

- Pulled over for speeding, the driver says: "I've had a few drinks, so I was trying to get home fast, before I had an accident." The cop slowly puts his ticket book away.

- Text message received: "Driving on interstate, doing 80 mph, no probl..............." We can pass laws, but we can't cure stupidity.

- Conversation while boating at night: "Don't worry, I know these waters like the back of my hand." How many freckles are on the back of your right hand? I thought so.

- Comment to Mike Tyson: "That tattoo on your face makes you look like a sissy." Now run.

- Driver to passenger: "I know the engine is overheated, but I can't stop now, I have important things to do." How important is a new engine?

- Husband to wife: "Yes dear, that dress makes you look fat." Honesty is not the best policy.

- The Lone Ranger to Tonto: "Tonto, we're surrounded by Indians. It looks bad. Tonto? Tonto?" Tonto says: "What you mean "we," white man?"

- My personal favorite, one redneck to another: "Hold my beer and watch this!" Usually followed by some kind of mud bath.

Back to more serious car advice next week. Maybe. I never know.



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